Trying to go Crimson

     I've kind of given up my quest to be valedictorian. Cool things kept happening to me anyways. I got full tuition from Trinity. Then I got a full ride at Washington and Lee. Then I got into Dartmouth. Then I got into Harvard. I keep thinking that whatever news I get is the most lucky I'll be... and then something tops that. I'm still kind of reeling from it all. One thing that I became ok with was that I won't be valedictorian, and that's fine. I also thought, though, that I wouldn't make High Honor roll for the first time since freshman year because I had a B in physics along with my usual mid-80 in Calc and (GASP) for the first time ever: a B in English. That's literally never happened to me. Ever. And now, for high school at least, I don't think it ever will, because at the last minute I pulled Physics up to a 92 and English up to a 90 xD. It was a nice surprise. I didn't think I had done it, but then I saw my report card online, and there were some A's.
     As for Harvard, I've made progress there. It took me a week before I could even say the name of the school in connection with the phrase "I'm going to." It's still a little difficult. That' where I know I'm going though; I know myself well enough to know that's the logical choice I'm going to make; I can't see myself going any place else after that. It still feels, though, like I haven't made the choice... My mind is there, but my heart isn't yet. I'm going down again in a week so I can get it there; I know my emotions will come around eventually. I'm still just shocked, though. It's a lot of shock to get over.
     Maybe I should have known all along. The signs are there: crimson (me and the color red go a long way back), veritas (my obsession with truth), and John Adams went there. If that's not a smaller-scale parting of the Red Sea then I don't know what's going on.

[10 minutes later]

You know what, maybe it's not Harvard itself I'm so ambiguous over. It's a great school. Actually, it's arguably the greatest school. There's really no reason for me not to go there; the tuition is really affordable and I know I'll love it.
Maybe it's the fact that my whole life has been oriented around waiting for college and college acceptances since, I don't know, October. Waiting to go to college and going to college don't seem all that different, but in reality it's kind of a crazy transition to get over. Now I'm waiting again. I'm waiting to feel totally committed to the entirely new life that just opened itself up to me nine days ago. It literally was life-changing. And it hasn't even been two weeks. I've been telling anyone who asks that I'm going to Harvard because I know I am. This is true. Still, my mind is far ahead of my perception of myself and let's be honest: college shapes much of who you are. So now I'm trying to reconcile this whole new part of my life with the life I have now, and it's not a bad change, it's a really good one. It is a change, though. And I don't think it will stick if I try to force it. I might just need time to let this assimilate into what I already know because this really is beyond what I imagined.

See, who needs a therapist when you have blogger.

L