Setting myself up.

I just realized how badly I want to be valedictorian and how badly I want to get into an Ivy League school and I have the worst feeling that I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm scared and I'm anxious and I'm impatient and I don't want to wait but I have to, even it it's not worth the wait.
I can see it now, someone else gong up the aisle on June 11th to give a speech and someone else getting dropped off in front of Dartmouth or Tufts. I haven't been on the sidelines in so long that I'm terrified of going back. I've been there, and if I'm going back again than I would rather know now than get my hopes up (like I do for everything) and getting let down (like what happens to me a lot.).
Remember what I felt like when I got that perfect score? I cried, I was so happy. Something beyond my craziest goals happened and I made it happen just my being me and it was one of the coolest things I've ever felt. I want that again.
My hopes are up, and not just for class rank and acceptance letters. Everyone has gotten my hopes up, including myself. I don't want to keep ending these stories, these pages in my life with "and then nothing happened."
I think everything's going to crash.

L